I'm scared in everything that causes my heart to bleed, but taking a risk with you would be worth it.
Inside my heart, those words i desired to say from the very moment i said yes to him.
I don't know what has gone in to me that night. but everything was perfect exept me doubting.
Confused asking myself what do i really feel about him.
It was 3 weeks since we just started dating and everything went so fast that in a jiff i called him mine.
It made me think, does he really love me? or just like me?
Those questions kept running inside my mind until he made me realize that both questions have the same
answer.
I never thought that having him would change my conception about love. I know what love means
but i meant one-dimensional love. Before, LOVE for me would imply a strong affection, warm attachment, attraction based on sexual desire, a beloved person and unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others and it's because i thoughtthat everything that i need to know could only be found inside this big heavy book which we all call the DICTIONARY. But when i found him, every word thet defines love in that big book changed. LOVE means
having a Geo Paulo E. Burdeos inside my heart completely and forever. It sounds unusual but i really mean it.
If i'll let my friends read this, i'm sure they will say, "cess, ikaw ba yan?" because they all know that i don't know
how to be serious when it comes to committments because i really suck at this. Not because i'm not good at it, but becauseI always force myself to love someone that i don't really love for the sake that i won't hurt them, instead i suffer and i prefer hurting myself. My friends call me the lady scapegoat. It's much easier to pretend that you love someone than to leave them hangn'. I know you guys won't agree with me. Right? I never felt happiness before because of my choice of obliging myself to love them.It was bliss to have Geo and me for choosing the right decision to love him more than anything else in this world. Sometimes, i find myself strange because there were simple things that i did to him but never did to anyone from my past.Everything went so different when he showed up. I'm more jovial.
I'm an emotionless person that i simply don't know how to show love or to act sweet. I tried so hard but it seems that its just not me.Only this minute, I discovered that i'm learning, learning to show someone that i really care and how i really value him.It's a funny thing that at some point in your life, you'll learn something unexpected. I never saw that coming but it did. I grew up pride that i never tried hard working out relationships.
Before, when conflicts came along i just say "o ano? break na tayo?" that statement seems so much painless for me to say. I'm so insensitive.Break ups are like my passion and it makes me happy at some point. I know it's sounds ridiculous. But now its like i can never say that again even if it's just a gag. Instead i say "ayoko na" but it doesn't mean that everythings gonna end.I can't afford losing someone that i desired for a long time. Losing someone that you really wish for is upsetting way too upsetting.it's like someone stole something priceless that you think you can't live without. This is also the reason why most people get jealous. Simply because they think that someone will steal their worthless half. Blah.. Blah.. Blah.. I don't even know how to get jealous before and i don't know
how it feels like. I have questions to all the girls out there that might be reading this entry. If you're jealous, do you feel bad? Do you feel like hating someone? Do you tend to hate the world? Do you feel like crying? Do you feel that your heart starts aching? Do you plan to do the i'm-not-talking-to-you-till-you-get-rid-of-her-now scene?
and worst scream at the top of your lungs to let the people know that you have hard feelings inside you?!
So, if your answers are all yes, then i think i'm experiencing such crisis. It's really painful pala noh?
Now i know how my friends feel whenever they get jealous. I always say to them na it's okei, no big deal but i guess
i don't have the right to say "it's okei" to them because i never experienced what they had gone through.
Only by this time. Only now that he's mine.
I want everything to be perfect for me and him or if not, maybe close to perfect. For me, our relationship is not the continuation of the games that i've played before that after a while, it says GAME OVER. I will give my all for our relationship to last. I will do my very best to be the greatest girl he has.
I'm not perfect but i'll try to be. Now, it's too late for me to do all those things. We might be ending our story. If this would be the last, Beb,i know you'll read this, I just want you to know that everything that happened to us will always be remembered and forever cherished.You're the one that i really love and the person that i chose to be with me forever. This is not easy for me., but i want you to be happy., You deserve to be.,I don't want to be a burden to you.. You did your part and i did mine but it wasn't enough. Someday we will both realize that what we are doing now is right.,Starting today, I don't want us to be sad but instead look up and move on. I know this is not easy but lets do this okei?. Ima leave you this "ILYEAF"you know what that means. Thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me feel the things that i never felt before. The things i thought that i will never
appreciate. You made me realize how beautiful life is. You made my life simplier and my parents thank you for that cause they thought that i would never change.I'm a brat and you know that. When u came i didn't ask anything from them exept the fact that they will accept you, for who you are and what you are. You changed me. From bad to good.I'll miss you and most of all I'll miss us., I'M SORRY.
It all started in our room, East 28 when all my roommates talked about Blair, Serena, Nate, Chuck, Dan, Jennifer and Vanessa. At first i was just listening to them and after i just ignored them. Lonely me.,Like, what are they talking about..?! hahaha.. so I started asking them."Anong pinapagusapan nyo?" and suddenly all of them stared at me.."Hindi mo alam kung ano ang pinaguusapan namin?..Gossip Girl po..Yung series..."and i replied."Hindi ko alam yan." and we all started laughing., and so when my mom visited me for some check up thing i asked her to buy me a book.. a Gossip Girl novel book.!!!..and she asked why? then i told her that i can't relate with them, they are talking about this Gossip Girl thing..in a jiff we went to NBS to find Gossip Girl novel.. Luckily i found it., yey for me..,!! Fast forward.>> When i started reading it, i didn't expect that it was a good book especially for girls like me.,! hahaha.. I finished the first book and now i'm working on the second book..Every night, before i go to sleep., i find time to read it until i fall asleep..Hahahaha.. It didn't gave less importance to my study.,It inspires me to study hard.. ! hahaha..Can't wait to watch the series.!!!
"You know you love me,
Gossip Girl"
*Tammy Marie Carreno., She's one of a kind, a friendly loving intelligent person. What i like about her.,. hmm..she's funny at times and she shares her food . I don't have any boring times with her..I'll miss her because she is very nice to me and i know she'll miss me too. Tams if ever u'll see this entry don't cry. hehehe.. Tams, thanks for everything i know that i owe you big time. Thanks for the friendship and for your helping hand. You are a great help to me since we met. I hope you'll not change.. Stay the way you are.. ( :
*LEM*
*Lemuel Acebedo..One of the so called "Vain" in our group, a potencial model..hehehe..He's a nice person and a good friend to all..A bully and at the same time a funny guy..In our group, he often bully Mika. I salute.! hehehe..I'll miss Lem because he has this humor that i can relate to..He is a good teacher in a subject called "love or infatuation". Yes it's true.hahaha.. Lems, if ever you'll read this entry much better..hahahaha..Thanks for everything pare. Sayang matagal tayo bago naging close sa lahat..I'd love to thank you for the vain moments cause kung di lang sayo, lam ko walang dramatic na pictures ang HEM.hehehe.. Ma.miss kita pare. Don't ever change.
*NIX*
*Nix Lopez..The Amerikana-Koreana in our group. Wanna know why? She speaks good english and she looks like a korean. hehehe..mixed breed eh'! She's good in lecturing about life and love if and only if you will ask questions from her.. She'll answer all your questions perfectly, taken from her experiences..ayt?.hehehe..In our group, she's the smartest..I'll miss this girl because of her cute voice and humor..hahaha..and she talks fast too..!!hahaha.. Nix, Thanks for the memories and the good talks we shared/You're one of the greatest. Stay the same and don't forget me. hahaha...
*MIKEE*
*Mikee Manalaysay..The Volleyball player of the group..The doctor of our group..hehehe. I'm not pressuring you do i mikee?..hahaha..sorry..Well Mikee, is a silent boy..sObrang silent. eh sometimes we can't hear him talk.. He loves to sleep on andrew's bed. hahaha..I'll miss him because he is kinda' malambing when he's in the mood. Mikee, Thanks ah..I'll miss you bro sobra.. Godbless sa mga plano mo sa buhay. Don't ever chande bro.!
*MAIA*
*Maia Roxas..The Media artist..The artistic goddess in our group..She's very good in editting photos..Sobrang galing talaga..Habulin si Maia ng mga boys!!!! hehehe..Maia is a quiet person like Mikee but if u start a conversation with her expect to talk a lot..Quiet girl but smart.. : ) She is a nice person too..You can count on her..I'll miss Maia because she shared happy moments with me. Maia, Thank you for everything..Stay the same..Be happy all the time.Godbless.Hope you can read this entry.. : )
*MIKA*
*WINDEE*
*Windee Pobre..Ang maniniyot sa grupo..Hindi yan bastos ah? "Maniniyot" means PHOTOGRAPHER in english..hahaha..She is an all around person..She can realate in everything..Sobrang helpful sa lahat ng bagay lalo na sa love..Siya ang iyakin sa aming grupo..hehe..peace tayo Winds..hehehe..Mabait rin toh maxado kaya okei kasama and most of all positive thinker.! Yan ang okei kei Windee!! hehehe.. When we are together we usually exchange our life stories.So ako na man mahilig mag share di na kami na.bobored..She is a good spirit rin.. hahaha.tama ba yun? well la na akong ibang maisip na term..hahaha..pero di nga mabait maxado si Windee. Pwede na maging madre sa totoo lang pero Winds wag ka lang mag madre kay sayang ang beauty and ang mga guys baka mag iyak..mabawasan na rin ang mga magaganda.wag mong ipahiya ang ating bandera. hahaha..I'll miss Windee because she touched my life sobra, from her life stories and love stories.I'll miss our chika galore..sobra..Winds, thanks for everything i won't forget you talaga..Hope you wont change.Stay the way you our.Godbless.Sana ma.basa mo toh..
*JOEL*
*ANDREW*
*Andrew Cruz.. The potential "BENCH" model.. yes! The talented person in our group..a DOWN TO EARTH PERSON INDEED..The next big star of all the billboards in the Philippines.!! yehhaa.. When he left we told him not to forget us because for sure in Manila , he'll shine.! He'll make a name in showbiz..We'll be happy to see him make his fans "kilig" because this friend of mine is handsome. right Doy? hehehe..Speechless, Andoy is the greatest friend that i ever had because he shows concern to me and to our other friends. I'll miss him beacause he is very nice in every way.. A God fearing person..Andoy, Thanks for everything..as in super, sa mga napagdaanan nating stress sa school..We made it because of hard work and prayers..! I'll miss you bro.!! Stay nice as you are.! Godbless and stay focus.!! : )
* I so love them all.*
June 7, I'm leaving for Dumaguete where my chosen school stands. Siliman University, my next alma mater. Leaving my city and of course my former school, Ateneo de Davao University is really hard for me. All my life, i never tried leaving my place where my special things are kept but now I'm facing my greatest fear. I will never say "Good-bye" to them i'd rather say "Till then..". Honestly, i don't know how to go with this it stabs my heart back and forth, not giving mercy,leaving me with gallons of teardrops flowing from my eyes. I'm hoping that this won't take long and if it'll do I'll soon die. I'm so afraid because when i get there, I don't have friends to lean on in short, in Dumaguete, I'm an alien...huhuhuhuhuhu..!!!
* i never pictured out my summer being a home buddy..Before, when summer was still on its way, i have so many ideas behind my gifted brain..hahaha..yeah SUMMER is a heaven to me but now i realized that i got the wrong definition of summer for this year. At first, i find my summer so relaxing and refreshing but as days,weeks passed by it gets boring and tiring. I have this routine that i do everyday until now i guess this will end up when summer does too, when i wake up in the morning obviously i visit my royal bowl and my royal faucet,clean up my face and comb my hair and eat my breakfast after eating breakfast, i sleep, when i wake up i watch dvd and while watching dvd, i eat and after eating i sleep and vice versa.. So you see how fun my summer is? well well.. i just want to do something productive but i can't coz i'm too lazy to do those things i prefer doing what i'm doing now. hahaha.. : )
